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Dear Cynthia, (revisited)


In February of this year I wrote a letter to myself.  A letter of encouragement and pride for being a runner and all that I was accomplishing when others said I couldn’t.  It was meant to be read last Sunday as I was preparing for the longest race of my life…the Philly Distance Run (Half-Marathon).  I read the letter because my lovely Google Calendar reminded me but I didn’t mention it on the blog.  I was embarrassed because this letter was written to a half-marathon runner and that is what I am not.  I will not be running today in a race I had been preparing for and dreaming about since 12 September 2008.  Frankly I was disappointed in myself for not achieving a goal I had splashed across my blog and worked so hard for.  I was ashamed not to be lining up as you read this post.

Then today I went back and re-read the letter.  I don’t know why.  Maybe to torture myself; maybe because I “know” some of the bloggers running it; or maybe to see where my mind was then to understand where I am now.  Instead of shame this time I felt pride.

No I’m not running today but I’m not wallowing in misery either.  I’ve had my moment to cry about the loss of the race.  Heck I’ve had several.  But I’m proud of how far I have come with running at all instead of sitting back and taking the standard quo as my prescription.  I’m a runner gosh darn it and even without the 1/2 marathon finisher added to my list of accomplishments I’m still a runner. 

February Cynthia said it so well…

You could picture yourself doing this for a life time.  You enjoyed every drop of sweat and every pound of your foot.  You didn’t care that some doctors had told you that you may never do this again because you were doing it now.  You were running and it didn’t hurt.  Not one bit.

Okay it may hurt this minute if I were to get out and run but I’m being patient and working to heal because I do enjoy every drop of sweat and pound of my foot.  I will do this for a lifetime and not run one race.  Throwing on my shoes (and back brace) and just running like there is nothing else that matters is pure peace.

Cynthia today and always remember…

You can’t change the past full of bad choices and self-hatred.  But you can change your future.  You decide what you do and where you go.  You decide when to run and what to train for.  You decide how hard and far you want to push yourself.  You decide your health not the memories of your past.  That’s just what they are…PAST!  You are new and you are you.  Embrace yourself…Love yourself.

For all running the Philly Distance Run or any race this season love you and the joy of running.  It is a beautiful thing to be just who you are.

Have you ever had to re-evaluate goals you set?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. 19/09/2010 5:00 PM

    I’m so glad you feel better about it. Much more important to continue something you love for life, even if it means missing this one time. It’s not giving up on the goal…it’s more truly pursuing it because you are pursuing it for the long haul.

    • 20/09/2010 12:23 AM

      That was the arguement I had with myself after I reinjured my calf. Did I love it and want to continue or was I doing this to prove something. I started running to prove something and now I just love it and want to do it even without a half-marathon medal.

  2. 19/09/2010 6:44 PM

    It sounds like you are in a good mental and physical place with running right now — and that, my dear, is hard to achieve. Give yourself credit for it! 🙂

    • 20/09/2010 12:22 AM

      Thanks Caronae…that comment really made my day. I miss running so much but I want to run and that is why I don’t run now. Crazy to say but I’m so happy even though I miss it.

  3. 19/09/2010 9:41 PM

    You’re right. You’re a runner and your choices will allow you to race the half marathon another day. In the meantime, it’s great to see your love of the sport. I can completely relate.

    • 20/09/2010 12:24 AM

      I may never run my half-marathon dream and I’m okay with that. I’m glad to share my love of the sport and know that a specific distance doesn’t make me a runner. It’s getting out there and doing it at all.


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