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3 Simple Words

14/08/2010

Three simple words can mean a lot.  You are beautiful. Congratulations, You’ve Passed! I miss you. I appreciate you.
The three most powerful worlds in the English language are I LOVE YOU! We all long to hear them; from mom, dad, our spouses, children and friends.  Powerful!

In my youth I heard “I love you” a lot…mostly from my mom.  Let me explain.  I was Daddy’s Little Princess; I even had a shirt to tell the world.  I went everywhere with him and ate like him too.  Chinese food on bowling night for being his good luck charm.  Turkey legs at German fairs.  Hab henchen mit pomme frites (half a chicken and french fries) after field training (US ARMY) trips.  Lots and lots of candy.  It was the way he loved me.  With all that food comes weight gain.

I gained even more weight upon returning to the USA permanently in 5th grade.  My parents marriage fell apart and I had to readjust to American life.  I ate to hide the feelings of fear, shame and guilt, sadness, etc.  I ate and ate and ate.  My dad noticed and the words I love you weren’t as frequent as three new words …YOU ARE FAT!

It’s awful when kids at school say it, let alone your dad.  I knew I was heavier as I my t-shirts and stirrup pants got bigger and bigger.  Classmates whispered “fat a$$” and “lard butt” as I walked the halls…so of course I knew.  Those words stung but hurt much more out of my father’s mouth…what happened to his little princess?  No amount of I love you‘s made up for the constant You are fat‘s.

For years I restricted food in front of him and binged in secret.  When I got healthy for me it still wasn’t good enough.  If I ate dessert on vacation he’d say “You’ll get fat, again.”  It was then I realized I would never look or be good enough for him to tell me I LOVE YOU without the commentary.  His love came with conditions.

Caitlin defines this perfectly in the Operation Beautiful book.  My dad is an Energy Vampire.  All he speaks is negative noise.  Conversations leave me emotionally exhausted and feeling not enough.  After trying to change myself to be what he wanted, now I am just me.  I am beautiful just the way I am.  I love me!

Humongous thank you to Momma for loving me just the way I am.  You’ll never understand how much I Love You meant to me at the biggest dips of my life.  Now I take great joy in hearing I Love You and being able to say it back in the highs of life.  LOVE YA MOMMA!

Love ya!

How have words influenced you?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Jenna permalink
    15/08/2010 11:14 AM

    You are beautiful just the way you are. I’m glad you recognize your father’s shortcomings, and work to not let them affect you (hard as I know that can be). I hope to raise my daughter to be strong and loving, and tell her already at least a dozen times a day how much I love her (and have even taken to singing her Stevie Wonder…”I love you more today than yesterday…but not as much as tomorrow”…).

    • 15/08/2010 11:57 AM

      Thank you so much Jenna!

      You little girl will already feel the love you are giving her and she is beautiful.

  2. 15/08/2010 3:24 PM

    I grew up with a very difficult relationship with my dad as well and “I love you” didn’t come near enough. I can’t even imagine the damage the words “You are fat” coming from him would have done to me. Your story almost leaves me speechless. And heartbroken.

    But at the same time very proud for you. For overcoming it an loving yourself regardless. That shows a beautiful person! A lot of those same type of feelings and lessons that I went through actually serve as the motivation for my 30 Days of Self-Love challenge. http://www.faithfitnessfun.com/30-days-of-self-love/

    • 15/08/2010 3:29 PM

      My dad showed me the love he knew through things and not words. I have worked hard to move forward and love him despite his faults. I am not perfect either and I have to forgive or continue to hurt myself because of it.

      I will definitely be checking out your challenge. I need something like that.

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