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That Number Scares Me

23/05/2010

Confession: I haven’t been to a Weight Watchers meeting since 2 January when I went with my mom…the depression just sucked me into bed every Saturday morning when I normally would have been out of the house by 7:30AM.  And the kitchen was a vortex drawing me in and made me eat lots of food.  Okay maybe not completely but I did have some bad couple of months where I didn’t care about anything and especially not Weight Watchers.  I did weigh in every day on my home scale but it was a poor substitute.  I saw the number on the scale but it was like a figment of my imagination.  I could pretend as long as I didn’t weigh in on the official scale it wasn’t a real weight and it would just magically disappear before I went back to meetings.  It was kind of like it didn’t matter and the number just kept going up and up.  It might have had just a tiny bit to do with all the emotional eating I was doing and the lack of exercise because of my lack of energy.



But when I stepped on the scale earlier this week I saw this I knew I had a problem…

182!

I haven’t been in the 180’s since I was in seminary!  That was well over 3 years ago before I started Weight Watchers.  I had just been eating myself into oblivion when I couldn’t deal with the depression and anxiety over the last several months.  The food just numbed the emotions…I admit it I’m a food addict and use it to substitute feelings.



And every time I would step on the scale I would still look in the mirror and see this Operation Beautiful Note on my mirror

I put this up in December.

that I put up in December.  Although the number itself still doesn’t matter I just don’t feel healthy or comfortable in my own skin/clothes right now.  I want to feel healthier not skinnier.



I had been planning to go back to Weight Watchers if I moved this summer.  I subconsciously told myself that I could lose the weight I had gained before I went back so I would be at GOAL when I went to a new meeting and not be embarrassed.  But moving isn’t going to happen so I had to bite the bullet and decide if/when to go back to my current meeting.  I love the support of everyone there but I was embarrassed to go back because I knew I had gained weight after doing so well for so long.  And I hadn’t been in over 5 months so I thought I was going to have to walk in with my head down hoping no one would recognize me.  I had though I would go back next weekend once Hunni and I were done with our weekend long meetings…but then I thought that would be after we spend the day at Six Flags on Friday so that wasn’t good because of the food I’ll be eating.  And so I was going to postpone it again until June to get a fresh start.  And then I could come up with a million and one excuses.  I was turning into that I’ll start tomorrow girl.



But when I saw that number on the scale on Wednesday morning I was not happy and then and there made the decision to go this weekend…even if that meant getting up extra early to walk the puppers (although they made it early since they got up at 6.45am again…grrrr!).  But first I had to find my Weigh In book.  It took a bit of searching since in a fit of looking for something in my purse sometime mid-February I had thrown it on my table along with all the other contents of my purse.  I guess I kind of hid it from myself.  But after a few minutes of searching under junk mail I found it!

Ready to go!

I walked in wearing my regular Weight Watchers uniform dress and was welcomed with open arms.  Everyone was really happy to see me and supportive of me coming back.  The scale didn’t welcome me so much when I saw that I had gained 17 pounds in 5 months.

See the difference.

Not as bad as it could have been…it was only like 3 pounds per month gain.  I ate that in buttercream alone so I’m surprised that is all.  But I’ll have to work to get it off.  No more lounging around with these two all day…




We’ll have to get out and walk more.  I really haven’t lounging lately but you get the idea.  Instead I laced up my sneakers and went to the gym for some good workouts while reading my book…which I finish and Jenna it was excellent!  I highly recommend Jenna’s reading list.  I even dug out my Heart Rate Monitor for this week’s and future workouts.

My old friend.

It had been collecting dust for the past few months (except for my 10K run) because I figured I wasn’t working hard enough to really count the calories burned.  But I work harder when I know how many calories I’m burning so I’ll be wearing it.  It pushes me to walk harder or longer when I know how much effort I’ve actually put out.



And I opened up my points counter recently, entered my real weight and actually counted points…not just half doing it to make myself think I’m On Plan.  I counted everything I ate today including the lovely piece of cake I had at the baby shower.  That number on the scale may have scared me but in a good way because my health and body deserves better than I was treating it.



What is the thing that gets you back on track?

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. 23/05/2010 6:52 AM

    remember that it’s about good/clean food, moving and small indulgences. Don’t beat yourself up. (I gained 35lbs in 5 months). I say “baby, I can pack it on”.

    Just breathe, you have your whole lifetime in front of you. You’ll get there and remember to enjoy the journey and fall back on your faith

    • 23/05/2010 6:04 PM

      Thanks Mish. A lot of the weight I put on was eating food that was not treating me and my digestive issues properly. And my faith is reminding me that I do not need the food to soothe me.

  2. 23/05/2010 7:02 AM

    Good luck getting back on track! I started a weight loss journey 3 years ago and knew from the start it would be a lifetime process, so I lost a lot, gained some back and now I’m trying to get back in a consistent groove. Luckily, the only thing I have to change is exercising and eating less calories, the food remains the same. 🙂

    Jenn

    • 23/05/2010 6:09 PM

      I knew it would be a life long learning journey to get to a healthier me. Thi sis just a bump in the road I knew would come and I know how to get back on track. Thanks for the comment!

  3. 23/05/2010 7:09 AM

    Welcome back to the Weight Watchers wagon. 🙂

    Isn’t it great that they always welcome you back no matter what?

    Good luck with staying on plan. Sounds like you’re doing well already!

    • 23/05/2010 6:10 PM

      Thanks Brooke! I love that I felt welcome even though I had been gone so long. Lots of the people reminded me they were repeating too.

      I love the plan and do well when I actually follow it. I enjoy the structure.

  4. Meredith permalink
    23/05/2010 8:34 AM

    Congrats on making positive changes! It isn’t easy, but it is worth it. And it *is* about getting healthy – so you can spend a lot of quality time with Hunni and the pups.

    And we’re here when you need a hand.

    • 23/05/2010 6:12 PM

      Thanks Meredith! It is about the changes I enjoy the learning to be a healthier me.

      And I’m sure that Hunni and the pups will enjoy keeping me longer…at least I hope 🙂

  5. Mandy permalink
    23/05/2010 9:03 PM

    HUGS!

    We have the same scale. 🙂

    Right now I want to feel healthier too, but at the moment healthier = skinnier.

    • 23/05/2010 11:53 PM

      (((((Mandy)))))

      I love my scale. 🙂

      I know that feeling but I’m actually happier when my body is fit but not at a perfectly skinny weight. Took me a long time to get there. Right now I’m not healthy but I’ll still be happy if healthy equals a heavier weight than before.

  6. Katherine: What About Summer? permalink
    23/05/2010 9:44 PM

    Take a shower, brush your teeth. Love yourself.
    It is so, so hard but the struggle is worth it all in the end. Do not give up!

    • 23/05/2010 11:51 PM

      I’m loving myself as I take care to get the weight off instead of punishing/soothing myself with food.

      I won’t give up!

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