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Have you all seen that Progressive commercial with the really annoying girl who everything you tell her about your life is a DISCOUNT for your car insurance (it’s an American commercial so sorry for any international readers).  She so flipping annoying but that commercial sticks out in my mind because they speak to a deep inner part of me that craves a good deal.  As a woman I crave a great deal on clothes, and shoes and food and well just about anything.  I don’t want anything to be cheap in quality but just cheap in price.  Then that means I got a great discount.

But I don’t always get just good discounts on things … I discount anything positive.  We’ll you’re probably thinking what the heck does she mean?!  I’ve told you all about my Bipolar Disorder and kind of how that has effected my life.  But co-morib (meaning at the same time) is a major anxiety problem I’ve been dealing with since I was 15.  I’ve been as bad as having full blow panic attacks in public spaces or just crying uncontrollably at times…you know the kind where you are crying, and snotting and just look a mess. 

My anxiety was so crippling in college that even when they were working on stabilizing my symptoms for Bipolar Disorder they were working to manage my anxiety as well.  I hear about all these celebrities taking my drugs for fun when I was just taking them to function.  I wasn’t addicted to them and could stop when I thought I was okay but the anxiety came back in full force or worse.  But over the years from graduation and my first job I started needing less and less til I didn’t need them any more (per doctor’s orders).

So why am I telling you all this.  Because the anxiety is back in full force.  I thought I was just stressed out and that is why I wanted to binge more often (and gave in a few times) or why I wanted to obsessively exercise one day and hide under the covers the other.  But It was more than that.  I just always felt like I had drunk 10 Red Bulls (nasty stuff) and then tried to sit still to do calculus.  My body was so confused about how it should act.  And even though in my mind I knew that I have great friends both from college and seminary and from the internet and the blog world…somehow my anxiety has gotten so bad that I think you all hate me and are just feigning niceness because you have to.  Now I know that’s not true and is far from it.  But I hated feeling like this ghost of who I had been because of all my anxiety. 

I was discounting all the lovely wonderful nice things people have said about me and my journey and just being my friend.  I was making excuses in my head for why they couldn’t possibly be more than just niceties.  And I know that sounds ludicrous because I know it’s not the truth but it is the pervasive thought in my head and it’s tiring having my logical side go talk to the anxiety side and get the snot kicked out of her.

So my resolve yesterday was to go back to my psychiatrist and tell him I can’t handle the anxiety anymore with just talk therapy.  Heck I wasn’t even believing my therapist when he told me I was doing exactly what I know I am.  And my psychiatrist agreed to put me back on my anxiety medications that I had been off for 2 years.  They worked when I was this bad and worse before so that I can get back to really being me and not so freaked out and anxious all the time.  I can’t live my life so worried about everything…even the good things.

So for now I’m taking all the positive comments you’ve sent me in the last few months and saying thank you.  Thank you for believing in me even when my brain doesn’t let me believe in myself.  Thank you for all being my friends and helping me through this up and down.

Have you ever dealt with anxiety?  Any tricks for those still struggling?

5 Comments leave one →
  1. 14/01/2010 1:49 PM

    WOW! We have a lot in common – I’ve had Panic Disorder since I was 15. I used to have full blown panic attacks constantly – especially when it involved something out of my comfort zone, like traveling, going on trips, being away from home. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was 19 and started medication, but I still have panic attacks occasionally. (Like the other night when I cut my finger on some glass and LOST MY MIND!) I used to be so anxious over everything I couldn’t sleep at night and would send myself into a panic attack, so I completely know how you feel! We should share our horror stories at lunch on Saturday!

  2. karathon permalink
    14/01/2010 11:41 PM

    (((Cynthia))) I hope the meds help and get you feeling back to normal ASAP.

    I had a few bad panic attacks in grad school and wound up getting an Rx for Xanax to take in case of emergency. My doctor thought it would help me stay calm, just knowing I had them in case things got bad…but I haven’t done the therapy I should to keep my day-to-day anxiety under control.

  3. 15/01/2010 5:16 AM

    I’m manic depressive. I refuse to take drugs but sometimes the need is overwhelming. I still try to stay away from them. I hope that you’ll feel better in the long run with the re-use of the medication. Take care!

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