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Scared

08/08/2009

Again I don’t want to seem perfect on this blog so I’m going to be honest with you.  I found out something I could never have imagined on Thursday night that has rocked me to my core.  I really can’t even fathom it right now so please forgive me for being vague.  All I can say is it feels like I’m going through all the stages of grief at once and I’m not doing well.

You might ask what does this have to do with weight loss.  Well…I’m an emotional eater and stress like this and emotions like this would have sent me off the deep end into a bag of salty chips or large pastries with lots of soda to wash it all down.  I normally would not have cared the calorie/points that I consumed and continue to do so to ease the enormous amount of pain racing through every fiber of my being.  This would have been the old me.

However yesterday I didn’t do that.  It might have been the nausea that keep trying to eject my stomach contents but I just couldn’t eat.  I had a Luna bar for breakfast so I wouldn’t pass out but then all I had was water because even the thought of food made me want to throw up.  I did eat a good handful of oreos for lunch because the were convenient at 2pm and I was getting dizzy but I didn’t eat them to enjoy them.  And when dinner time came I grabbed a cheese stick from Target and a bottle of water and some strawberries from the local farm stand.  I stopped by starbucks for a latte to hopefully get some dairy in.  But all day I just didn’t want to eat.  Today’s not looking good either.

So honestly I’m scared.  I’m scared that I’ve gone from one extreme to the other.  Instead of binging to feed my emotions I’m now restricting foods to be in control.  I remember these habits from college when I tried not eating to lose weight.  My only reprieve this time is I didn’t do it out of spite to lose weight, I did it because I just couldn’t.

Sorry to be such a bummer today.  I just don’t know what to do about it and had to get it out somewhere.  I’ve got appointments scheduled with my counselor to talk about what happened and hopefully I can force myself to get in the nutrition I know I need.  I hope your day is better than mine.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. 08/08/2009 12:38 PM

    Im so so so sorry you are struggling right now.
    and reaching out and sharing I hope has at least made you feel better in the sense we are out here reading and knowing what you are going through.

    I wish I had better words for you beyond the fact I pray for you to find the selflove NOT TO PUNISH YOU no matter what the “thing” is which you cant share right now.

    to love yourself enough to nourish yourself.

    Carla

  2. Ruth permalink
    08/08/2009 11:50 PM

    I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this right now. Hang in there. I hope that you will find peace during this time and that God will give you a stomach to handle food right now. Maybe try eating very very small meals throughout the day… or try drinking boost drinks.

  3. run4change permalink
    10/08/2009 8:40 AM

    Sorry about your troubles.. I always go for the salty chips too

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